two hundred and three

sometimes i look around, i read the headlines
listen to the news, catch comments from strangers
and friends. sometimes i listen to it all
and i worry

i worry because we do not sound
grounded and free. we do not sound
as though we are in this world together.
we do not sound as though we are
all fighting to stay alive, to live our dreams
to make it another day.

i worry because sometimes it sounds
as though we are far from our ultimate
connection, far from feeling as though
we are all one. i worry because sometimes
i realize we are not listening.
instead we cover ourselves, shield ourselves
with words and statements that do not
come from our own mouths. i worry because
we’ve lost our ability to communicate,
to come together, to see each other as human.

sometimes i look around and hope we wake up,
hope we begin to come out of our hiding
and hope we begin to speak to each other.
i hope we put down our shields and listen.

two hundred and two

the picture in my head is not the one i see in the mirror
do you see yourself in your own mind, flawed and beautiful,
slightly rounded cheeks and freckle on your tongue?
i am not sure who i see, but in my mind my hair is not
this new shape and my hands are not this dry but i am
rounder than i’d like to be and the stretch marks
are only growing more noticeable–in my mind’s eye.
i wonder if my mental picture will ever match what the mirror
shows and i wonder if it matters since the mirror can only
capture so much of the truth–after all, the view is filtered
by the eyes, by the brain, and you may be seeing green
when i see brown so who knows what is the truth
behold the sight and let it sink in that you are the
one in your mind and the one in the mirror and all
the versions in-between.

two hundred and one

they are there, right at the surface
lingering underneath the ducts
waiting for the sweet release
crying affords them
i feel them there, but i do not
want them to fall, for them to
cascade down my cheeks is to admit
i feel and i am tired of feeling

i am tired of feeling the tears

but mostly i am tired of feeling
the confusion, the whirlwind of
emotions that engulf my body
and mind and leave me wordless
and leave me feeling lost

i am tired of feeling lost too
and i am tired of being unable
to give directions and i am tired
of being sorry for the lack of gps

i am tired of being sorry for being
sorry for being
sorry
for being
lost
filled with feeling

the music is loud enough here
to drown out the noise in my head
and almost the tears. they are still
there, underneath, where they wait
for the impulse, for the rush.
but now the music is winning
the coffee is winning and i can
feel some words coming back,
i can feel me coming back if
i just close my eyes and sway
sway
sway

two hundred

i am just a body
you can stare at
watch and comment on

i am just a body
for your dreaming
demeaning pleasure

i am just a body
that is moving
in front of you

turning you on

making you hot

i am just a body
the kind of body
you like

i am just a body

i must be
for you did not stop
to think your words
my interrupt my breath

i must be
for you did not think
your sharp inhales
could be felt
each time i moved
in a certain way

i must be
for you did not
whisper, you did not
try to conceal your
attraction

and therefore
you must think i am just a body

one that cannot hear your words
one that cannot feel your eyes

i must be just a body
for your amusement
for your entertainment
for your satisfaction

i must be
for you to act this way

one hundred ninety-eight

in black and white, along the water,
a golden gate in the background
a moment caught and shared
a kiss and a smile
an instant of spontaneous expression
there we see a glimpse
of our contentment.
in black and while, along the water,
a photograph taken for
the colorful days when
happiness seems more complicated.

one hundred ninety-seven

soothe me so i can sleep tonight.
i’ve had too many nights awake
and too many days asleep.
so soothe me with your voice
so i can drift off and dream of
warmth and the familiar.
so soothe me with your touch
so i can let my body relax
into the soft sheets.
so soothe me with your breath
so i can wake tomorrow and
kiss you good morning once again.
soothe me, soundly,
soothe me to slumber.